First of all: beware! Don't be the one they ate. Till you explain who you are, it's over!

solar system

Those funny creatures call themself human beings. They have fuzzy picture about universe. Star is named Sun and third planet in the system - Earth. Everything is a big secret for them. What is a matter of visible and why they exist? Where life came from? Is it better to drive vehicle powered by alcochol or not? Are they happier knowing that all or knowing nothing? Never allow them to include you into question-answer circle. When you start thinking that way, you're history. It is fine to help others untill comes your turn to do something. Then it becomes populism and you have to rise over it. To bother about single unit in harsh world. To survive if none can, but you. Oh, don't think it's over. Always goes back, when they need some benefit. Help, brothers and sisters! They all scream "help" all the day.


Never, I mean never ask them what you could do for them. Mistake like that brings you strait to the kettle. Imagine yourself hungry humans, singing and dancing prior to having a nice, softy meal. You. Good news are that you could make such mistake once. They never eat you twice. At least, they are civilized. You will read menu, listen to the music for digestion, drink some appetizer... Would you like vegetables? Roasted? Just, don't lose your whim. First ask what is the name of meal. And be prepared to run fast. You could pay your bill, but not required. And never, never trust them!


You came to this planet to see all the beauties they advertized. Old cities, marvelous ruins, lost palaces... On this field two armies made local history. Bloodshed was so terrible that some heroes died three, maybe four times. Blond girls lost consciousness with every last breath of screaming sweetheart. If you don't take a note, you will not be sure later who is who. They change roles so fast, that sometimes even actors don't know are they villain or not. So, every self-respected hero makes a little good and a little bad. Not to mention royalties. And don't fail to see at least one lost city. It is on a hidden location, so none knows where it is. Local guide will take you there for a small fee. Bargain to get free photo of emperor or pay little for emperor and you in conversation. Sometimes ruins are freshly whitewashed and you could make decent memorabilia.

Belgrade, october 5th 2000

And never, never, never take any part in their affair. It will start with: "Am I right?" and end with you as a culprit of every disaster in the world. Doesn't matter if you even don't know what is all about. They are wizards to day declare as night and night as time for take money from you. If they burn capitol building with mayor or the king inside, run fast. It is a good chance that you are the one to blame. Oh, don't think that they do it intentionally. No. They are absolutely convinced in authenticity of everything they say. What tears would they shed, when becomes obvious that they are wrong. Don't explain anything. Change your location as fast as possible. Go undercover. Talk unintelligibly and finish with "five dollars". It would repel them. If not, say: "Ten dollars".

the sea

They live on dry land. Creatures you met underwater just open mouth. Science has not real explanation why those called fish do this. No music to take it as play-back. Humans also open mouth, but they talk a lot. Almost whole day. It is much easier to make agreement with fish. Fish never bubble in vain. Humans bubble too. They even talk to fish and understand each other very well. Dinner has special meaning to that relationship. Everyday humans give food to fish. Than they deepen mutual understanding eating fish. For some reason humans are anxious when fish eat human. There is much space to handle such behaviour properly.


Got the point? Always repeat for yourself: look like you want to take a bus. When you eat, declare yourself as vegan and as carnivore to carrots. Don't take human being as souvenir. Don't let human being take you as souvenir. Pay a bill if they scream and scream when you pay the bill. Ask for salary whenever you feel unsafe. Give antiquities back if they find it in your bag. Ask a money for that. If not, ask for pension. Otherwise, you could start the conversation this way: wanna find a father for baby. Someone's interested? That will give you reputation you need. On the plane ask for ten minutes break. In the mountains demand your private beach. Be unbearable as you can. And never, never trust them!